


innocence

by ShanleenKinnJaskey



Series: Poetry [23]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Bullying, Dark, Depression, Eating Disorders, Free Verse, Homophobic Language, Homosexuality, Poetry, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, spoken word poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-04 09:44:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5329532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShanleenKinnJaskey/pseuds/ShanleenKinnJaskey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>innocence is not<br/>breaking a mirror<br/>because you think that something about you has to be beautiful<br/>your shattered reflection<br/>your broken heart<br/>your red hot blood against your cold flesh<br/>your life spilled out so that others can feel better about themselves</p><p>(Updated)</p>
            </blockquote>





	innocence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Not_A_Lie_8](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_A_Lie_8/gifts).



innocence is not  
kneeling next to a toilet,  
watching your hopes and dreams  
swirl away in a mix of beige and orange.

(vomit's an interesting color,  
i notice,  
all those oranges and beiges...  
why is it always orange and beige no matter what you eat?)

innocence is not  
finding yourself in the shower  
with stomach acid  
etching its way out of your throat  
as liquid cascades out and over your teeth,  
forming little yellow and orange trails  
in the water that flows down the drain

(and then there are the breakdowns)

innocence is not  
laying awake at night,  
when you're alone,  
and there’s no one to hear you whisper  
long, drawn out prayers and complaints  
to an unseen Lord  
or see you curl up into your sheets,  
staining the fabric with salt water tainted in unspent emotion

innocence is not  
spending hours reading or planning or plotting,  
trying to get tired enough that you will enter  
the realm of dreams  
where you can forget everything

innocence is not  
building a shield around yourself,  
disguising anxiety with a sharp tongue laced in poison  
and a question about self-worth with a brash, barbed personality

innocence is not  
knowing how it feels  
to see your friends  
and wonder if they'd care if  
you just...disappeared

innocence is not  
turning ten  
and having to ask  
your mommy what "fag" means,  
because your best friend called you that-  
it is not  
knowing  
how words hurt more than stones,  
how insults carve scars  
deeper and more permanent than knives  
ever could

innocence is not  
hearing the words  
'slut' and 'fag' and 'whore'  
and knowing they are _all_ that you are

innocence is not  
turning sixteen  
and knowing by heart  
seven different ways to kill yourself

innocence is not  
hearing the word 'suicide'  
and knowing exactly why  
someone would choose to leave this world

innocence is not  
knowing that suicide isn't a _choice_ -  
the world makes the decision for you,  
pushes you off that cliff  
and when it gets to the point  
that you're holding a knife to your wrist  
you are no longer a person-  
you are a shell of a shadow of a being

innocence is not  
turning seventeen  
and opening up your computer  
to find people begging you to kill yourself,  
rid the world of your unnaturalness

innocence is not  
understanding why people ask

(don't _tell_ me it's _selfish_  
when all i want to do is help you finish the job,  
get rid of me once and for all-  
isn't that what you want,  
what you've begged me for for years?)

innocence is not  
turning twelve  
and being told by your favorite teacher  
that gay people are _infecting_ the government,  
that they are a black sore on the face of humankind

innocence is not  
falling in love  
and watching the person you love  
get insulted and threatened because  
you dared to  _hold hands_

innocence is not  
digging out the shards of glass in your heart  
by using a knife on your arms

innocence is not  
wondering what it would be like to die

innocence is not  
breaking a mirror  
because you think that something about you has to be beautiful  
your shattered reflection  
your broken heart  
your red hot blood against your cold flesh  
your life spilled out so that others can feel better about themselves

(don't i get a chance to be beautiful,  
even if it means dying to get it?  
girls do it everyday-  
does it make a difference if i stab rather than fast?  
i'm sacrificing something precious either way)

innocence is not  
_life_.


End file.
